| DEAR DIARY | A VERY unpopular Opinion

Cori was laid to rest spring of 2016, her life has left me with so many lessons. It's how I know she's a part of my spirit. 

I received an email today from my oldest cousin. A letter she included me in with other people in our family; some I knew that were distant, some I’m guessing are from her father’s side of the tree. Basically asking us to extend our love to her younger sister, my other cousin; my favorite cousin. Cori was diagnosed with colon cancer this summer. I saw signs of its affects when she was crying from severe stomach pains in Vegas.

We all thought it was cramps. People get bad cramps, right?

But it wasn’t, and hearing a loved one telling you they have stage 4 cancer is kind of trippy. If you’ve experienced it firsthand, you know what I mean. I couldn’t fathom actually receiving the news, but I sure as hell felt it after she hit me with that phone call.

9 months later and my girl is still riding. I get to keep up with her via facebook posts, but you know how those go.. Smiles and exclamation marks are everywhere, painting a picture that sprays positivity, all while me being a member of ‘reality’ and knowing that everything glittering, isn’t gold.

But anyway, the letter.

This letter hit me because I started thinking about me. Selfish, right? Someone close to my heart is fighting for her life, and It inspires me to think about myself?

I imagine the possibility of not making it home to see my beautiful cousin smile again. 9 months is a long time to fight such an inexorable disease, or should I say, bacteria, medically speaking. I imagine having gone so many years without spending physical time with her, and not being there now when she needs support the most, all because I want to pursue this dream of basketball.

Basketball, which has given me so much fulfillment in terms of life experience, but hasn’t brought any substantial physical or monetary benefit to my family thus far. The sport that signifies an achievement “against all odds” once you step foot outside the country because of it. The sport that has opened my eyes to worlds and cultures so different than any history lesson could have taught me in school, but yet it cant numb any of this pain in my heart.

And for that I hate basketball for being so selfish.

For requiring so much time away from spiritual interactions, from romantic interests, and from bonding with my family the way every major world religion tells us we should.

I lost my grandfather 4 years ago, and I wasn’t able to see him for this same reason: basketball. My little sister is reaching adolescence, in a time where our social morality has slipped further from us than human authenticity. And as much as I try to be in her ear via phone calls and Skype, the effects aren’t the same as tangibly standing in front of her face giving my advice.

All these physical interactions I’ve been sacrificing for some leather with air in it? Don’t 

I know its just entertainment?

What else am I willing to sacrifice for the game so many people love? How far am I willing to go?

As selfish as this sport has been, as much as this sport has given to me. I hate thinking that it is taking the people I love most away from me. I know it’s not the most mature way to handle distress, but for the moment were not on good terms.

And as I prepare for my next game, I guess the selfish sport is also showing me the path to unconditional love. Because all the pain and pleasure it’s given and taken away, I still treat it like it’s never going to leave. And despite punishing myself for leaving loved ones behind to pursue this dream, those same people love me even more because of it.

Because Cori always tells me know how proud she is of me. And I hope that she knows how proud I am of her.